The Darker Shades of Green
by Red Rose Touga
Summary: Chapter 9 POSTED A look into Saionji’s past. Who Saionji really is, the secrets he hides and characterization abound. SaiXAnthy ANGST. DARK. Saionji’s P.O.V.
1. Reflection

**A/N: Here I go! I'm writing an actual fanfic this time around and a multi-chapter one at that. I usually write poems and post them here. This is my first attempt to write something of this nature.**

**Saionji's past has always intrigued me, so I came up with my own little rend ration of his past. This is basically my theories about him; you can either agree or disagree. Just remember that I do not tolerate flames. They are the product of ignorant people who have nothing else better to do then be jealous of people who have talent. (I find that most flamers can't write, or rather, those who are childish enough to flame.) That sounded arrogant ; Oh well. Anyway, to end my ranting, here is my dedication. **

**DEDICATED TO SELENITE1 THANKS FOR THE INSPIRATION AND IDEAS!**

**Now for the warnings:**

**WARNINGS: **** HIGH ANGST CONTENT, SUICIDE DISCUSSION AND TENDANCIES, DARK THEMES, VIOLANCE, LANGUAGE, GRAPHIC AND SAIONJI'S P.O.V.**

**Big enough?**

**Now for basic information:**

**Summary: A look into Saionji's past. Who Saionji really is, the secrets he hides and characterization abound. ANGST. DARK. Saionji's P.O.V.**

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing, though I wished I owned Saionji.**

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**The Darker Shades of Green**

**By: Red Rose Touga**

**Chapter 1: Reflection**

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_Him._

_His reflection set out before me, staring me right in the eyes. The figure's eyes seem so unfilled, so frozen . . . and yet, if you gaze deeper into this man's eyes. You can see something that is . . . in a sense much deeper. Beyond the amethyst orbs you can see the dejection, the loss, the sheer misery and sense of false pride…_

_What pride?_

_There is no pride because he has failed at everything and failed everyone else. Every pace he has taken, has failed him. He's no prince, he's no kendoist…Hell, he's not even the Seitokai Vice President anymore. He's let everyone down, though he's tried so hard, his labors seem disregarded._

_I slowly extend a hand out to him, but I touch the smooth surface of a barrier. An obstruction between us…is separating what seem to be two halves of a whole. Two sides of a being. At the same time, he reaches out to me, but we can't touch each other …this barricade prevents it. As if in harmony, we both draw our hands down the smooth, perfect surface of the glass._

_Perfect._

_The one thing that both of us could never be.__ The one thing that seems so far out of reach. The one fixation we could both never attain. We both had worked so hard to obtain something…To seek something eternal…I must do more then divulge, the both of us have some pretty shitty luck._

_Or perhaps, we've both been damned. _

_Both of us are identical, yet dissimilar. My eyes are vacant, and often blinded by antagonism and malevolence. His eyes are grief-stricken, seeming to be drowning in wretchedness. His gaze makes him unfamiliar to me, unrecognizable. I could swear at times, the once vivacious colors and hues of purple churn around in such a haunting pattern that it seems as if he is mutely crying invisible tears…Or, perhaps one day, that color will become the tears and run out, all sensation locked within escaping his face and body, leaving him a dehydrated hull. There had been far too many times he had wished that it would. Perhaps feeling vacant would be better then feeling those emotions and getting impaired over and over again, like a skipping record. The pain and manipulation at times is too much to bear. I frown, as does he. _

_But why smile?_

_A smile is hardly ever authentic anymore, just a smug demeanor or a counterfeit front. Then again, if you don't put on a fake front, you have 500 people asking you the same damn questions._

_"Are you all right?"_

_"What's wrong?"_

_"Are you okay?"_

_I swear if one more person asks me that damn question, I'll sincerely do something to them. Both of us seemed to push on the barricade, the thin plate of glass between us, it was emitting cracking and rupturing noises. Our hands shook in unison, both unrestrained emotions that seemed to emit from both of us._

_The contrast between us seemed so major, yet negligible as well. He was the light, the virtuousness, the emotion and I was the delusion, the bare shell, the conceit and the sadism. I was the dark._

_He looked ghastly, decrepit in feelings, a silhouette of his former self, a being filled with so much grief that you'd think **that **was the something eternal they had, and the something eternal they had sought was fatality._

_It's odd really…is this what one feels while staring at their reflection? Do they see their own ache like this?_

_When many look into the mirror, they don't really bother to look into themselves enough. They'd rather take a glance, or apply makeup…or some bullshit like that. _

_Perhaps this image I see before me is some sort of irony or symbolism, telling me that I shouldn't be hiding behind such an arctic façade'. I heard an inhumanly, loud snapping noise from beneath my fingers my head jolted and I think my brain did as well. My amethyst eyes widenened for a moment, pulling me out of the deep contemplation._

_After that, they looked over to our hands, both matching on the surface. There was an outsized crack in the mirror. Had I caused that? I suppose I did. Making a frown, I thought for a few moments, eyebrows furrowed…then eyes tapering. My hand pushed a little more on the glass…and I could feel the shards going into my hand, cutting the tender flesh, drawing blood._

_Blood…_

_The life giving quintessence, the force applied to it. A small stream of blood ran down the glass. I watched it as it tainted the bathroom mirror. Why does it feel a bit better now? How can that small amount of pressure released tranquil me so?_

_I smiled a small smile and looked comfortable as I watched the thick, scarlet liquid trail down the clear glass and onto the ashen, ceramic surface of the sink. _

_I lifted my hand off of the glass to notice the large cut on it. Slowly, I picked the glass shards out of my hand and chunked them into the trash alongside of me, still smiling a contented smile as I looked at the palm of my hand. The blood still oozing out of the open laceration. _

_I clenched my wounded hand and put it into my pocket, concealing it. There seemed to be no one in the bathroom, I was unaccompanied…as usual._

_So, feeling as if I should do something, other then staying in an unoccupied room, I headed for the door. Besides, if I stuck around, they would be suspicious of me, considering the fact that I didn't even bother to clean it off. _

_I walked out of the door, and a few feet away from the bathroom, some fan girls eyed me as I stood there. I put on that, ever so fake smile and waved with my uncut hand._

_Later after, I heard some of the school boys chatting amongst themselves._

_"Hey, did you see what happened in the bathroom?"_

_"No, what?"_

_"Well, when I went in to wash my hands. The mirror was cracked and there was a giant blood stain on it."_

_I sighed in a huff. They **always **exaggerated things. That's how rumor spread. Some say someone got hit by a car, and the next thing you hear they got hit by a bus. Gossip is unreliable._

_I began to walk away, with my hands in my pockets. Good thing this shirt extends over my pockets, covering whatever blood decided to trickle on my uniform._

_When I got to my dorm, I washed my cut out and put a bandage on it. Staring at the bandage, I seemed in a daze, my thoughts void. _

_Then came the ramification of my thoughts. How would I handle the question of "what happened to you?" _

_I would tell them it was a miscalculation in preparation. That I had sliced it cooking or something to that effect. Seems plausible. Hmpf. What I **should **tell them is it's none of their damn concern and they shouldn't ask such personal questions._

_I walked down the hall, my stature seeming to vanish in the student body of Ohtori, a renowned figure…if that was so, then why do I not feel so renowned?_

_Why do I feel so alone?_

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**Preview for next chapter:**

**I would conquer the world 7 times over, but would you notice my achievements?**

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**A/N: God, hoping not to get OOC here. I tried to make this sound as plausible as possible. I know there are no explain nations for this and his attitude now, but there will be. Please stay with me, this is my first fanfic. It was intended to be dark. **

**This is a little how I envision Saionji's deepest darkest thoughts. Please give me some feedback here. **


	2. To Be Worthy

**Hello, here I am again, with chapter 2. This fanfic is really depressing to write. Sorry if updates will seem a bit slow, but I really will try and keep up with the updates weekly, or when I feel like it, so keep checking up. Thanks for your reviews.**

**I'm going to be going into some of what I think Saionji's childhood was in this chapter. **

**Now on to chapter 2.**

**PLEASE TAKE THE WARNING SERIOUSLY. I WILL NOT SAY THIS AGAIN!!!!!**

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**The Darker Shades of Green**

**By: Red Rose Touga**

**Chapter 2: To Be Worthy**

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**I would conquer the world 7 times over, but would you notice my achievements?**

_The crashing of shinais, the force of the battle.__ Sweat. Blood. Spit. Stress and anguish. This is the life of a kendoist._

_A child lies on the floor, his pastel form hunched over. His breath ragged and his sweat drops slowly, drop by drop onto the kendo hall floor. It's as if the apprehension and tenderness were so thick some of it would have to leave his body before he exploded._

_"What are you doing?"_

_"But father, I'm really tired. We've been training for hours. Can't we take a break?"_

_"Winners don't take breaks."_

_This child got up slowly and begun to train harder with less vivacity as before.__ His body wearing down, his breathing so evident that his chest seared with pain with every breath. Wincing, he rubbed his torso and went on, wanting to be a victor. This small one strains and strains himself for this man…the man he calls father._

_This child seems extraordinary for his fortitude under such pressure, but he knows that he is still but a child, and could never be as hard-wearing or vigorous as the other kendoists who were much older then him._

_He simply wanted to satisfy his father though deep inside he knew he could by no means be what his father wanted him to be._

_"Please, father. I don't have the energy to go on."_

_The child begged in a feeble voice._

_His father threw down the shinai. The long, wooden, slender weapon bouncing over across the floor. _

_"You'll never obtain anything being that weak!"_

_I made a thrashing motion with my shinai. My gaze sharpening at the black wall on the other side of the kendo hall, recalling these memories makes my stomach churn._

_When people recall youth, they never think of moments like this their heads are always filled with blissful visions of innocence and naïveté not throbbing and fatigue. They were never pushed as I was!_

_I spun and slashed it to the side. My eyes flashing coldly. I swung it with ferocity once more, and again, and again. My sweat flying from my body, dripping onto the floor as I do. I do not even discern the pain in my hand as the binding progressively consumed with the scarlet liquid from the tight grip on the weapon. I had reopened the laceration. Perhaps this was a good thing. I shouldn't be so tense during training anyway, am I trying to kill myself before I go to the championships?_

_Not that I'll fucking win anyway…_

_I stopped for a while._

_'You'll never be anyone if you can't win, Saionji!'_

_Putting my shinai up, I got out my practice sword. I examined the blade, the manifestation of cold eyes staring back at me, the eyes softened after a moment._

_"You'll never amount to anything, if you don't exert yourself." The ominous voice rung through my head._

_With a steely gaze I began to train promptly and with more persistence then before. Not noticing that during training, the bandage slowly undone itself and was fluttering around my clenched hand. The blood being released out onto the sword's blade, gushing out of the open wound from the pressure being applied to it. A tiny stream released onto the sword's blade. I stopped training to look at the blade, holding it up to my face. I examined it. Running my hand across the blade, smearing it, the now red bandage falling onto the floor._

_"What are you doing Saionji? Train harder!"_

_"But father!"_

_A shinai was knocked from the child's hand. A small body hitting the floor with a thud, the clanking of weapons could be heard from in the wake of him._

_"Get up and train! Don't be weak!" His father pressured._

_For many years the child had trained like this._

_He had been told his labors amounted to nothing they never did, did they?_

_Worthless._

_That's all I was._

_That's all I'd ever be._

_No matter how hard I try, I can always do better. I could win the world over 7 times over but would anyone notice my achievements? Hell no._

_I am doomed to be damned and damned to be doomed._

_I can do better than this._

_I can and I will._

_I thrust the shinai in front of me and stagger a bit._

_I **should **stop being so damn weak! I must attest myself and live up to what father wants me to be- a champion._

_There is no place in the world for losers. Loss is objectionable._

_A blissful child ran up to his father with a golden trophy, the smooth surface unblemished many tomes of gold. He held out the trophy ecstatically._

_"Look father, I won the kendo tournament!" He smiled brilliantly, happy that he was able to achieve the one thing his father had imagined. He could be the best. The young one had accomplished everything he could think. _

_…Or, at least he thought._

_"You barely won. You shouldn't have even advanced to the finals; you're not near as good as the other fighters."_

_Suddenly, with a rapid movement, the small figure wrinkled to the ground yet again, his face stinging and the "prize" he had won tumbled across the floor. _

_"Go and train, make yourself useful. Next time, earn the trophy rightfully." With that, he walked mutely away, leaving the broken child on the floor, holding his cheek, which was stinging red. The heliotrope eyes producing tears as he got slowly up and trudged across the room, bending over and grabbing the trophy and holding it loosely at his side._

_He sat in his room and cried unspoken tears. The child couldn't help but feel the denunciation not only from his parents, but from himself as well._

_Maybe I didn't really earn that trophy…_

_I kept it around for maybe a week, pondering on if I had really deserved it. _

_I hadn't._

_The child stood before the lake. The water blue and sparkling against the sunlight. Green hair blowing in the air stream, the child's miserable, lonesome eyes gazed upon the blue, depression and dejection showing in them, scarring the innocence within, tainting the purity, only I never knew it at the time. The child clenched the trophy; the golden object in his hand so tightly that it shook with his weak nerves. _

_'False dreams…false hope…I can never be a winner!'_

_With that, I chunked it into the lake. The 'false hope' sinking to the bottom of the lake, along with all of my hard work and dedication._

_"I can never do anything right!" He shouted, tears streaming down his face as he sunk to his knees and cried. _

_Good riddance to it. I never deserved it anyway._

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**Preview for the next chapter:**

**If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.**

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**A/N: Well, hope that explains some things. Anyway, hope you all enjoyed this chapter as well. I tried to keep it in character as always. I've always believed Saionji was someone who was pushed as a child; it explains his constant wanting to prove himself. Please R&R and tell me what you all think!**

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	3. To Prove Oneself

**Well, here I am with chapter 3. Wow, I've gotten quite a few reviews for this. Glad to see that everyone likes it. Getting deep into characters isn't the easiest thing in the world, but, I'm glad that I could take the opportunity to write something like this about a character that I really love.**

**Maybe I can shake a few of those Saionji haters out there ; Maybe…**

**PLEASE TAKE THE WARNING SERIOUSLY!**

**Well, on with the fanfic!**

**The Darker Shades of Green**

**By: Red Rose Touga**

**Chapter 3: To Prove Oneself**

**If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.**

_Literature of the essence of expression.__ The love of the word. The prose of an author. _

_When I was small, I used to adore to write. Mostly I wrote poetry and a few short stories. All of the children in school used to praise me, when I let them read my poetry. I was always to introverted to just read it to them. _

_"Wow, Saionji! This was great!"_

_"Yeah, I loved it!"_

_"You really have some talent, Saionji! You should get them published."_

_"Thank you." I smiled._

_I wished I felt as first-class about it as they all did._

_A proud boy walked up to his father, handing him a shady green book with many pages. The boy was beaming brilliantly, wishing to excel once more. _

_"What's this?" His father asked in a jagged tone as he examined the book, rotating it every which way. _

_"They are poems I have written, father. Everyone at school says they are good and I should get them published. They say I have talent for a boy my age." _

_"You can't be serious!" His father handed the book back to him. _

_A deep set ache coursed throughout him._

_The book was shoved back into his hands. The boy's father hadn't even tried to comprehend. Anything, anything to progress his relationship with his parents would have sufficed. But now…_

_He had failed again…_

_"Now, quit wasting time, Saionji. Let's get started on that training. I realize the next Championship isn't until next year, but winners never quit, and to be a winner, you mustn't waste your time on silly thing like writing in that book." His father intoned. "Hopefully, you'll actually win that championship without a fluke."_

_The emerald-haired boy frowned. It still wasn't enough. He knew that his father couldn't allow anything then the best._

_'He hadn't even tried to look at my poetry…I thought for sure that would get him to think I was actually good at something."_

_That day, the boy trained with strength of mind like no other, but his father was even harder on him. The constant clashing of shinai against shinai with an even force, and a merciless sense of swiftness. The force never let down, and his father seemed to be fighting with more fierceness then usual. The small child worn-out easily and did not have enough power to keep up with the older man. _

**CRACK!**

_The shinai flew out of the child's hand; once again, the child fell upon the dented wooden kendo hall floor. The floor. It was so full of memories…Memories that I had tried to wash away over and over again from my own kendo hall floor. _

_Hours upon hours I would spend, trying to scrub the spit, the sweat, the blood…But sometimes I seem to be overwhelmed by it, and no matter how hard I scrub, or what kind of scents I use to cover it, it would always be there to haunt me, for the rest of my life._

_Over and over again, I would try. Often times, I became anxious to get rid of it. But no matter how fanatical I became, it would never go away._

_I stare into an abyss that stares back into me…Only the abyss can see into me; see me as I really am…_

_"Saionji…Come here." The taller figure would say to the child._

_Of course, the child comes to his father…_

_Only to receive a smack with the shinai, right across the face, leaving a red mark which is visible.__ "You'll never be worth anything if you don't do better then that!"_

_The child sat in his room, holding his wounded cheek, crying to himself. So many disregarded tears…_

_He had only thought one thing…._

_'I wish mom was still alive.'_

_As I stand here, I hold the green book in my hand. Staring into the abyss that stares back at me. The bottomless green of the cover, everywhere- the green. I look down on it with a deep set sorrow. This was the book that I was once complimented for…The book that I had felt would please my father…_

_I held a hand up to my cheek. Sometimes, I can still feel the smart in my cheek from that day. I run my hand over the smooth skin on my cheek. The skin that has suffered from so much damage over the course of my younger years. _

_To prove one self must be impossible. I could never prove myself to him._

_I walked through the grounds of __Ohtori__Academy__, holding the book firmly in my hand. _

_This book was full of excruciating memories. Memories I wished were better. _

_I stand before a giant metal oddity in my wake. Looking up at the massive machine, I stood for a while, wondering what to do. I seemed caught between worlds at the moment. _

_So many memories…_

_So much pain…_

_Am I really a nutcase?_

_I smiled to myself._

_Perhaps I am…but who wouldn't be? I don't even believe anyone is sane in the school anymore. They all have their own delusions, they just don't realize it. The funny thing is…I'm just as bad as they are._

_I hold the book out, above the mighty conflagration of the incinerator. How they have an incinerator here, in the middle of the school grounds, is beyond me. Not that this world was meant to make sense. _

_"Good bye, sweet memories." I smiled warmly at the book._

_Then I let it fall into the fire, fall into the hell to smolder alive and scorch within the depths f the flames, just as I had so many years ago. To suffer the flame's wrath, as I had suffered under my father. _

_"To hell you go…And I know I shall soon join you."_

_I looked into the flames for a while, watching them swirl around in a hot molten pool of color. I smiled to myself._

_"Farewell, false hope." I said in a voice that seemed too happy for what I was feeling._

_I turned away, walking from another false hope, which I had earned so pointlessly. I know now, that I am no poet, there is only one thing I am set to do, and that is kendo._

_I'm no duelist, not truly._

_Just a kendoist._

_And nothing more._

**TBC**

**VV**

**Preview for chapter 4:**

**All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.**

**VV**

**A/N: Well, here's another chapter. I myself even think this is interesting. I hope that other people do as well. This is so dark to me that I often times I have to take breaks in writing it. Sorry about that people. I'm going as best I can, do I do hope that everyone's enjoying this. **

**I have to give some thanks to my beta reader, whom in which is feeling down. Oneesan no Miroku Houshi, I appreciate your efforts in beta reading my fanfics. She's been dealing with some stupid flamer on an Inuyasha fanfic of hers, but she also works on wonderful Revolutionary girl Utena fanfics. **

**Note to Oneesan: Don't let them get you down. I hope that you write those other Utena fanfics that you were planning to and please don't give up writing.**

**Or I'll kill you. ;**

**From one Saionji fan to another, just tell that person screw them.**

**Besides, they didn't have the GALL to write a note back to you. I dedicate this chapter to you, to inspire you to keep writing and never give up!**

**Anyway, to everyone who read, please R&R!**


	4. Shadows of Sorrow

**A/N: Here's another chapter of The Darker Shades of Green. Sorry about the wait, there is so much emotion put into this that the chapters are hard to write. I plan on writing another story as well. Be sure to check out Oneesan no Miroku Houshi's stuff, and Hinoto Nobukaze. They are great authors.**

**Anyway, back to business.**

**The Darker Shades of Green**

**Chapter 4: Shadows of Sorrow**

**By: Red Rose Touga**

**All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.**

_Mother._

_I had often seen pictures of her, but I could never remember her. What was she like? _

_I was told that she had died as soon as I was born. Perhaps that's why my father hates me…Because I murdered my own mother when I was created and brought into the world. Perhaps that's why he pushed me so hard, figuring that I owed all I was worth to become something great for my mother._

_Well, how does he like me now? _

_Look what he's done to me! He's made me into this…This pit of hell…_

_What if mother was alive? Would he have treated me the same way? Or perhaps they'd both treat me that way? _

_I wonder if up in heaven, or hell, whichever she went…If she would be able to see me would she be pleased with me? With my father? Does she love me? Or did she think that I killed her? _

_Did father have reasons for what he had done? _

_I stand at this place, this lone graveyard. I haven't seen her in years. I knelt down and placed a delicate green rose across the patch of grass in front of her tombstone. There were several memorials there; she must have been a well-respected woman. _

_There were two pictures, one of a woman with wavy green hair, and a man with long black hair, standing side by side; smiling. Since the woman's eyes were closed, you couldn't see the color of them, but the man had dazzling amethyst eyes that shone in the sun. My eyes are his eyes._

_The next picture was a woman lying in a bed holding a child, the woman looked very pale and sickly, but she held a happy smile as she held her child, who was sleeping soundly at her breast. _

_Her eyes were shown, but they were of a lighter color a lavender color. The color that my eyes at times could show. _

_That was what my mother had looked like…_

_She looked so proud of me…_

_So, perhaps she did love me, the few days she was alive…_

_I've never been told when she had died…_

_I wonder if she smiled down on me, or looked upon me with contempt._

_I don't think I could ever get the courage to ask my father about it. I don't even like going to his house, when I'm due for a visit. _

_I closed my eyes and wore a look of misery on my face…_

_I wished she was alive, but that cannot be obtained. There is never a day in my mind when I don't regret knowing her. I forever lose, not only in the duels, but in life itself. There are the things that no one ever knows. The hidden truth behind Kyouichi Saionji. _

_Perhaps all of this anger results from being shown nothing but contempt my earlier years. Is this why I'm so sensitive, because I've been hurt so much throughout my life?_

_I'm always being blamed for something, right?_

_The reason I lose duels, the treatment of the Rose Bride…_

_All my fault._

_Or is it really?_

_Is it truly my fault that people often act too rashly to know the true nature of the situation? That they don't know the truth behind everything, nor do they want to believe it?_

_This was Tenjou Utena's mistake. The mistake she made by getting herself engaged so wrongly into the duels. She had no comprehension of what was in store for her._

_I close my eyes. _

_I am in the darkness yet again, falling into that never ending pit. _

_Cold and alone._

_I open them to orange and red light, the light that burns into my sadness. The light which burns my soul. The light that reminds me of my eternal resting place…_

_That girl that Touga and I found in the chapel, she was sad over the loss of her parents, but I had lost too…_

_Perhaps she had the right idea, I should have lain in that coffin with her, but that would've been too forward to me. I don't know what I was thinking when I wanted to show her something eternal. _

_I couldn't get her parents back. I couldn't even get my own back, and yet I thought I could be someone._

_That's all I wanted…_

_Was to show someone I'm worth something…_

_But I had failed._

_I always fail._

_I fell to my knees in front of her grave, and pulled something out of my shirt. I placed it by the grave and sat a rock a top of it. _

_It was a poem, one in which I had saved. _

_It read:_

**Though it's been years now**

**Since you were taken away**

**The memories are still strong**

**And I wish you were here with me today**

**I remember all of the good times**

**With you there was so much to gain**

**But now there's so much emptiness **

**And ever so much pain**

**I can't see or touch you**

**So I know that your not there**

**But I've still got the past and in my heart**

**You are still near.**

**I used to wake in the night**

**Calling and crying your name**

**It was hard to realize**

**That you're gone and things will never be the same.**

**Sometimes I talk to you**

**Though you probably do not hear.**

**I must need to talk to someone, because of my hurt and fear.**

**Wonder if you can see me now,**

**If so,**

**I hope you're proud of all that I have accomplished**

**But that chance is not allowed.**

**If I could see you once again**

**Do you know what I would do?**

**I'd release all of those emotions and say –**

**I love you.**

_The poem lay there on her grave, and perhaps she could read it in her spirit form, and know my love for her still remains. Even as I walk away, I leave a piece of myself with her, and hope that I could be all I wanted to be even if she isn't with me; maybe she pushed me to drive onward._

_For her at least, I could be the best._

**TBC**

**Preview for chapter 5:**

**I think that I shall never see  
a billboard lovely as a tree.  
Perhaps, unless the billboards fall,  
I'll never see a tree at all.**

**A/N: Just some light angst mixed with love here. I thank my friend Jessica for use of one of her poems in this fanfic. I also kind of dedicate this chapter to her, and anyone else who's lost a family member. **

**My heart goes out to you.**

**Please RR!**


	5. Masochist

**A/N: Here is another chapter! I almost did something horribly mean and post it on Valentine's Day, but then again, I hate V-Day and all of its mushiness. I didn't want to be that mean though.**

**Anyway, this chapter deals with masochism/hashing/slashing. If you're offended, then don't read it. It's nothing that differs from what's been happening in this story.**

**SAME WARNINGS.**

**VV**

**The Darker Shades of Green**

**Chapter 5: Masochist**

**VV**

_This is a time that I dread the most…returning home to my father. The man that I could never be anything for. _

_As I packed my things, I could feel the apprehension more and more. I didn't want to do this._

_I've never liked facing my father, even as a child. He had always been disappointed in me- for I was never the star child he had wanted me to be. I could never be the best. I'm probably not the best to him even now…_

_I stare at my destination, unsure of whether I want to go in, or simply walk back to Ohtori and forget I ever came. It wouldn't make any sense of me to turn back now._

_I walked up to the door and gave it a quaint knock._

_"Yes?" The man I used to call father answered the door._

_"Oh, Saionji."__ He finally replied, seeing me at the door. "Come in."_

_I entered the house, though it was wearily._

_We sat at the kitchen table, talking over the time we had lost. _

_He had asked me if I was winning any of my Kendo championships, I had to hang my head in defeat with all of the times Touga had won in our matches. For the ones I did win, however, memories of the past were brought up yet again with his little joke of, "Well, at least you've won it rightfully without fluke this time."_

_I didn't think it was too damn funny, and yet I couldn't help but feel a prang inside of my heart from his stabs. _

_After a while, we've sparred in the kendo room, and he actually complemented me on the fact that I was getting better._

_Still not good enough for him, though._

_I know what I'll be doing all weekend. _

_But perhaps this time, I could prove to him that I can be what he wants me to be…_

_As time progressed we began to recall events from the past, both painful and morbid. I pretended to play along with my father's constant joking of my childhood weaknesses. Unbeknownst to him, I had actually tried back then._

_I tried to be everything that he wanted me to be…_

_And yet…_

_I fail…_

_As I do now…_

_All he does is joke around about my pain…_

_I don't know what the hell is so funny about my past._

_"Hey Saionji."__ My father called to me. "Would you mind polishing the blades before you leave for Ohtori today?"_

_"Of course."__ I agreed, which was not an intelligent thing to agree to when not in the best of moods from his constant teasing earlier._

_I walked towards the desolate room, in which contained the blades. There were three of them in total, lying on the floor, unsheathed. I took them one by one and began to clean and sharpen each of the magnificent blades. _

_One of them I had recognized. It was the blade that he had used to train me in my childhood years. It had indeed been well kept over the years. I began to wipe the blade down with an old cleaning rag father had given me. _

_As I had cleaned the blade, flashbacks ran through my head._

_"What are you doing?"_

_"But father, I'm really tired. We've been training for hours. Can't we take a break?"_

_"Winners don't take breaks."_

_"You'll never obtain anything being that weak!"_

_'You'll never be anyone if you can't win, Saionji!'_

_"What are you doing Saionji? Train harder!"_

_Worthless._

_That's all I was._

_That's all I'd ever be._

_"Look father, I won the kendo tournament!" _

_"You barely won. You shouldn't have even advanced to the finals; you're not nearly as good as the other fighters."_

_'False dreams…false hope…I can never be a winner!'_

_So many memories…_

_So much pain…_

_Am I really a nutcase?_

_"I can never do anything right!" _

_"Good bye, sweet memories." I recalled chunking the book into the school's incinerator._

_I am nothing truly._

_Nothing._

_Nothing._

_Nothing…_

_The sword began to shake with my weak nerves. I took the sword to my wrist one more, and let the sensation of draining the pain sink in. It swirls around within a crimson river, and once that river is released, the pain isn't so unbearable anymore._

_I wiped the trail of red off of the blade and looked into my own reflection. I could see morbid amethyst eyes stare back at me in a loop of never-ending sadness._

_Time came to leave my father's house. We both stood at the front door, each bidding their good byes. _

_I left that day, without looking back, a new opening for the pain to release fresh on my wrist. Perhaps I could leave some of the pain back at the place in which it all began._

In the room in which the swords were, Saionji's father walked in to do some training with the old blade he had used to teach Saionji kendo, when he picked up the sword, the bloody rag fell off of the blade, and small remnants of the blood remained on the blade.

"Saionji?" His father asked in a shocked voice as he looked at the sword with concern.

What had happened to his son?

**I think that I shall never see  
a billboard lovely as a tree.  
Perhaps, unless the billboards fall,  
I'll never see a tree at all.**

**A/N: Sorry for the delay. was being weird with me and wouldn't let me update anything for a while. I don't know what its problem was. Anyway, please enjoy this chapter and tell me what you all think.**

**R and R!**


	6. The Way I Feel

**Hello, I apologize for not writing in a while. Some things have come up and such, like spring break. If this chapter doesn't make any sense, it's because my mood's off. I thought by writing this chapter I'd be able to get off of some pretty tough subjects that I've been putting up with.**

**To Oneesan no Miroku Houshi: Thanks for your support, I'm glad you understand. Oh, and I'll take your advice. smile**

**Anyway, on to the story, if nothing makes sense, please correct it for me, Oneesan.**

**PLEASE TAKE THE WARNING SERIOUSLY!**

**I I I**

**The Darker Shades of Green**

**Chapter 6: The Way I Feel**

**I I I**

_I was walking through __Ohtori__Academy__, on one of my happier days, if you could really define it as that, and stumbled upon a group of boys upon my return from father's house._

_As I was walking by, I heard one of them say "People who cut themselves are stupid." My eyes darted over to their direction. _

_How dare they say such a thing about something they themselves did not understand!_

_They don't know the pain…_

_I closed my eyes and listened to their conversation. _

_"I was just wondering if they ever found out what happened in the bathroom."_

_"Nah, but now they're saying that some person hashed themselves with the glass and made that blood."_

_"You think we're going to be put on suicide watch or something?"_

_"That's stupid talk, besides, like I said before, hashers are stupid. I mean, what's the point of cutting yourself anyway?"_

_I began to walk over to the group, they weren't noticing me anyway. Besides, how dare they call me stupid! They could never understand._

_They don't know what it's like._

_"Oh, look at me! I'm going to cut myself, but I'm too chicken shit to actually tr.."_

**SMACK!**

_A body went flying to the ground._

_Before I realized what I had done, they were all staring at me in awe that I had done such a thing. The one who was talking fell to the held his red cheek. I leveled them with a stare of malice._

_"Hey, why'd you do … Kyouichi Saionji, the Seitokai Vice President?" The one on the ground replied, looking shocked and holding his now red and stinging cheek._

_"You shouldn't talk of things that aren't your concern." I said simply, trying to regain my composure._

_Then I walked away, as I was walking, I ran into Arisugawa Juri. Shooting her a glare, I walked by her. Damn irritating woman! I really didn't need her right now. _

_She grabbed my wrist harshly, trying to catch me as I walked by. The pressure made me wince in pain. She had grabbed the spot I had cut after I left father's house._

_"Hold it." She replied. _

_"I have places to go." I told her coldly._

_"I just wanted to ask you something." _

_"What? Not that I have time to be playing 20 questions…"_

_"Why exactly did you get offended at that subject? I noticed that you just walked over there and did what you do best." _

_"It's really none of your business." I replied coldly, though a sadness shown in my eyes that I didn't want to possess in front of her, and damn her for catching it as well._

_I think I had actually intrigued her; she had an interested look in her eyes as I yanked my arm away and walked past her. She actually turned around and gave me a look I couldn't place._

_Why?_

_Why would she look at me like that?_

_She's just like everyone else…_

_Or is she?_

_I know she knows something._

_No doubt she thinks something is up._

_She'll question it or do some investigating, if I know her correctly. Juri is always prying to see what she can figure out. I have to give her at least that compliment, she's intelligent._

_Well, I'll beat her at her own game._

_I won't let her or anyone else figure it out._

_This is my one secret._

_Then again, if I go around slapping people for it, suspicion will just arise. Everyone will begin to think…_

_As soon as, or if she even does find out, she'll just call me weak._

_Weak…_

_The one thing I can't stand being._

_The one thing I've always been put down for…_

_The one thing I try so hard not to be._

_This was the one thing I had always wanted to show Touga that I was not. Even my best friend could not understand what I feel on the subject. What friend? He's betrayed me, as they all have…_

_Do I really have any friends at all?_

_Of course not._

_I'm on my own as I have always been._

_There's no such thing as a true friend. I had found that out long ago, when I had longed for that eternal friend. I was living in my own delusions, as I am now._

_I couldn't be fortunate enough to have the silver lining most clouds do after the storm. I am the cloud who will seem forever gray_

_A dark shade of gray that is so contaminated with black that most do not see through it.__ Or is it really contamination? Could it be a shroud of mystery that is so complex that it takes dedication to unveil?_

_I'm not even too sure of that myself…_

_In the world of clouds, I must be the one dark cloud which is classified as an isolated storm. _

_Then again…_

_I'm not strong enough to stand alone and produce my own storm. I always must hide behind the bigger, more powerful rain clouds that produce more rain then I._

_Secretly, I produce more rain of my own when alone._

_I am the storm who's only big enough to wet the ground, but not so large as to create any significant water damage. The storm that turns violent when needed, but backs down so easily and gives way to the rest of the rain clouds._

_When will this cloud find a silver lining?_

_I look up to the white clouds in the sky and narrow my eyes._

_Why must such symbolism taunt me?_

**TBC**

**Preview for chapter 7:**

**I will willingly believe what I wish, as long as it makes me happy.**

**A/N: Long time await, but I'm going to eventually get into some Rose Bride stuff, and for a while it will become SaionjiXAnthy, just a warning for those who intend to read further. **

**Hope you enjoyed this chapter! The next one is on its way shortly.**


	7. To Sell A Soul

Oneesan's A/N: Sorry this took so long. I wasn't able to beta read it until now. My computer's been down, so please forgive me.

**A/N: Here I am with another chapter. I'm now getting into the SaionjiXAnthy stuff, so anyone who is offended, stop reading or put up with it, because it lasts 6 chapters. **

**On with the fanfic.**

**I I I**

**The Darker Shades of Green**

**Chapter 7: To Sell A Soul**

**I I I**

_"I am the Rose Bride."_

_Himemiya__ Anthy…_

_"I have no will of my own…"_

_How I wanted to believe otherwise…_

_But even that had botched me as well. You had sold your soul to Lucifer himself, and there truly was never anything I could've done about it. _

_She was pitiless and calculating and I willingly played into her ambush. Love is often sightless, and my own love was no exception. Did I ever really feel affection for her? Perhaps I had at one time…_

_One time long ago…_

_I had won her from the duel that auspicious day. A princess whose external beauty exceeded all other women of __Ohtori__Academy__, a bride and a princess; Anthy Himemiya._

_"I am your Rose Bride now, Saionji-sama." She walked over to me, her dress of blood red flowing about her petite form. I wore a pompous look that day, and for once in my life, I felt as though I had obtained something that I could not have before._

_For once I felt as if I were worth something to someone, even if it was only her._

_At the moment in time, she had sold her soul to me, as she had sold it to the previous victors of the duels we all fight in order to gain something eternal._

_Something eternal…_

_I was so stuck on the thought at that moment in time._

_What did I want that was something eternal…_

_At that point in time, I really didn't know._

_But for that moment in time, my self esteem started to boost, and with Anthy by my side, it would only rise over time. Perhaps I saw her as something more then a Rose Bride, or an impassive pawn in Akio's game, but someone much deeper._

_Perhaps back then I even dared to call her my comrade._

_One of the only ones I'd ever have._

_Was this what being a "prince" felt like? It was a wonderful feeling._

_A prince and princess, that is what we were, and as long as I had something to defend, I felt I was of some worth to someone. I knew now then ever that she needed me, and I needed her._

_"Anthy?"_

_"Yes, Saionji-sama?"__ She smiled impassively at me, though at the time, I wanted to believe it was bliss._

_" Are__ you happy with someone like me being engaged to you?"_

_"Of course Saionji-sama."_

_I smiled to myself. "I'll do everything I can to protect you. Don't worry Anthy, nothing will harm you as long as I am around."_

_This is a vow I had made in the delusion of my own delight. I was so idiotic when I look at it now. So foolish and so hopelessly in love with a hollow figure._

_I put my arm around the slim form, and she nuzzled into me. I felt as if I meant everything to her, because, at the moment, she did to me._

_I had experienced feelings that I never have felt before towards anyone. Then again, no woman would want me for who I truly am…_

_No one could handle the mysterious secrets that I hide. _

_Not even her…_

_Should I tell her?_

_I don't think I will for a while, at least, not until we've spent some time together. A decent amount of time together. I don't quite trust her as of yet, princess or not._

_I looked down at her purple hair, shining with all of the vivacity of the sun, looking like a thousand of the gems combined in one massive flow._

_She was striking, anyone could have been told that._

_We walked down the stone walks of __Ohtori__Academy__ together, I looking self-righteous and tall and feeling it for once, and she looking as beautiful and mysterious as she was._

_We finally arrived at my dorm, the place where she was to live with me while engaged to me. She walked in and began to clean and straighten up things. I suppose my dorm room needed a woman's touch._

_As she got busy with the cleaning, I had prepared tea. _

_"There, all clean." She finally said after hours of cleaning her fingers to the bone._

_She turned around, giving me a kind smile. "How do you like it?"_

_"It's fantastic. I never knew my room could look so clean." I replied, pleased with the results. I sat a tea cup on the table. "Here, I fixed you some tea to repay you for your hard work."_

_"Thank you." She replied as she sat across from me and began to sip gingerly on the tea._

_I noticed a small monkey who was munching on a cracker._

_"What's this?" I asked._

_It looked at me with a fire to its eyes, almost as if I was going to take the said item from it._

_"This is Chu-chu." My bride replied with a turn of her head._

_"__Chu__!"__ It replied, crumbs spilling out of its mouth. After it was finished chewing what it had, it began to clean up the crumbs. _

_"I see it's efficiently cleaning its mess." I replied, in a somewhat joking tone._

_"His favorite thing is to eat." Anthy replied._

_"What do you like to do?" I asked, taking a sip of tea._

_"Oh," She stopped after the noise was produced; she looked as if she were being thoughtful on the subject._

_I anticipated her answer._

_"Whatever you'd like to do."_

_I anime fell._

_'This is truly going to be a long day.' I thought to myself._

_I was slowly beginning to figure out just how much of her will she had lost the Rose Bride position. She was a victim of her own circumstances…_

_Perhaps she wasn't so different from me…_

**TBC:**

**Preview for chapter 8: **

**Oh what a tangled web she weaves when I practice to believe.**

**A/N: Here's another chapter down the hatch! Anyway, some actual good SaionjiXAnthy relationship going on, because I think at one point in time, that they actually got along as a bride and groom do.**

**Please review!**


	8. A Peaceful Place

**A/N: Here is another chapter. I've been on a role posting these. I hope you enjoy them so far. This chapter is a SaionjiXAnthy chapter. Nothing much going on here, just some more of how I think their relationship used to be before Utena came into the picture.**

**Enjoy!**

**I I I**

**The Darker Shades of Green**

**By: Red Rose Touga**

**Chapter 8: A Peaceful Place**

**I I I**

_Anthy and I…_

_A true prince and princess._

_Ever since I've won her, things have been so different between us. For once, I've felt the happiest I have in all of my life. I've felt nothing like this feeling. I think I've even smiled a real smile around her._

_I've asked her to keep an exchange diary with me. We've written several entries. Just her and I._

_For once, I've felt as I I've had something special to me._

_She cooked and cleaned for me._

_She did my laundry and sat down to have tea with me. We've talked together and ate lunch together. Sometimes, we even slept together. _

_Every day, when I practiced in the kendo room, she would watch me, and I would accompany her in the rose gardens, admiring the beautiful varieties of roses while she watered them with her golden watering can._

_Often times, I'd just sit in there and admire her beauty._

_I loved everything about her. Her happy, smiling face when she came to see me. The way she touched me and the heir to her voice when she spoke to me. How she complimented me when I won the duels for her sake._

_I don't believe I've thought one bad thought since I've had her with me…Well, I take that back, I've had some about Touga, but that's not important. I always have bad thoughts on Touga…That traitor…_

_I haven't released any pain lately and I think that my cuts have healed sufficiently. Some of the scarring had also gone away._

_I've been doing better on my kendo and even won the latest tournament, and Anthy was there, cheering me on as I did so. I felt as if I had won that trophy fairly and justly._

_She and I celebrated that day, both laughing and having a good time._

_Laughing…_

_It's been so long since I've done that._

_It feels good._

_I've been contemplating on something as of lately._

_It's been weeks and even months of us knowing each other. I wonder if I should tell Anthy about my past. Should I tell her my dark secrets? Would she understand? This is a moment I fear…_

_I know I must tell her. If you love someone, you want them to know everything about you, even if it is their flaws. Even if it was something you didn't think they'd understand._

_I look at her from across the room after coming to my dorm from Kendo practice. _

_She turned to look back at me. "Hello, Saionji-sama."_

_"Hello Anthy." I replied, giving her a kind smile._

_She smiled back. "I cleaned the room, dusted, cooked and fixed you tea. I hope that you like it. I decided to make peppermint tea today, for something new."_

_She handed me a cup of her tea. "Thank you, Anthy."_

_"Your welcome, Saionji-sama."_

_I took a sip, indeed Anthy was a fine cook. _

_"Like it?" She asked._

_"Do I ever?" I told her. "Your cooking is divine. "_

_"I'm flattered that you think so, Saionji-sama." She put a hand up to her cheek, closed her eyes and smiled._

_"Practice went well, as always." I responded._

_"Sorry I couldn't go today." Anthy replied. "I was studying for a test after school, and then I came home to clean and cook, so you'd have a clean room and a good meal."_

_"It's alright Anthy. You shall come tomorrow."_

_"Yes, Saionji-sama."_

_I sat down at the table. She sat on the other side, bringing the tea pot with her._

_We sit there, in silence for a while. I am still thinking on what exactly to say and what exactly to tell her. How can I bring up a subject such as this? It would be random of me to just bring it up…_

_But I suppose that sometimes you just have to take that bold move._

_These are things that no one else knows._

_No one knows these things._

_These are the darker shades of my true color._

_"Anthy?"__ I finally speak, looking up from my half finished tea at her._

_"Yes, Saionji-sama?"__ She asks._

_"I have to tell you something." I finally tell her._

_"Go ahead. You can tell me anything."_

**TBC**

**Preview for chapter 9: **

**Some secrets were better kept.**

**A/N: This was short, I know, but the next chapter will be longer. Please R&R!**


	9. Chaste Comfort

**Here is chapter 9. It's hard to believe that this story is almost 10 chapters long. It doesn't seem like I've been working on it that long. Anyway, Saionji tells Anthy his secrets in this chapter.**

**I I I**

**The Darker Shades of Green**

**Chapter 9: Chaste Comfort**

**By: Red Rose Touga**

**I I I**

_"It's about my past." I told her._

_"What is it about you past, Saionji-sama?" _

_"We've been together so long. I think it's about time that I tell you about my past." _

_We sat there, I telling her my most intricate secrets, even expressing my love for her as a prince, and she, sitting there, listening intently, and at times, feeling false comfort for me. _

_She never understood me…_

_I had thought so much that she did understand me. _

_A few times curing our conversation, she asked the occasional question, because deep within my heart, I had wanted her to ask why. Only she knew my every desire, and I was so blind to have seen it until now._

_I was emotional to her._

_I showed her my true feelings. The true sadness within my being._

_She held false compassion, getting up and walking slowly over to me to give me a false embrace._

_And at the time, I had no one else to hold on to, no one else but these dark arms around me, and that eminent smell of roses from the garden in which she had worked in._

_It was a comforting thought though, to be this close to her, inhaling that intoxicating scent of roses._

_I embraced her back, winding my arms around her slender form, resting my head in the crook of her neck._

_"Anthy…"_

_"Yes, Saionji-sama?"_

_"Nothing…" I replied, my voice a bit more shaky, due to my excessive emotion._

_"Don't worry, Saionji-sama. I will be your bride forever. As long as you are the victor of the duels. I will reside at your side." She spoke, her voice seeming to mimic concern._

_Oh how I had wished those words were ones of truth. Then again, delusions got the better of me once more. They say love is blind. Love is very blind…_

_"Oh, Anthy."__ I caressed her closer and insecurely to me, not wanting to let go, thinking that she fully understood me and that she'd always be there to care and comfort me. That she understood my sadness…_

_We sat there, for the longest of time, taking comfort in each other's touches. My bride and I bound together in body and soul, as any relationship would be._

_We comforted each other and spent long hours together, just speaking, and giving the gentle touches and ever so often a kiss._

_The two of us began to speak of the "something eternal" that the image of a castle would have to offer them. She spoke to me, and told me that she too, desired something eternal from the castle._

_I had made her that promise. No matter what happened, I would be the one who would grant her something eternal. I would be the one who shown her that castle and what it held within._

_I would be her prince._

_And she would be my bride._

_My Rose Bride._

_To spend all of eternity with._

_As time passed by, we began to explore our inner love for each other, and we began an exchange diary. We'd write back and fourth to each other, and I would always write her poems and express my feelings in the form of kanji symbols._

_I enjoyed reading her past entries. They always brought joy to me._

_And I had hoped that she enjoyed reading mine. _

_I think that she had at one time._

_Unless it only humored her to read my writings, putting out such feelings in something with no emotions._

_Anthy…_

_My feelings ran deep for you._

_Depper__ then you'd ever know._

_In a blind love that produced my long-term faithfulness to you._

_You and only you._

_I was your prince and I would delusion myself into being it._

_I wanted to be someone, and with you, I felt it._

_With you, I felt as if I were on top of the world._

_With you, I felt as if my life mattered._

_With you, I felt as if there were a place in the world for me. I could show you what Touga showed the girl in that coffin._

_I would show you something eternal._

**TBC**

**Preview for chapter 10: **

**Deceiving is believing, but what happens when you have no choice but to believe?**

**A/N: Another short chapter. Sorry about that, I've been having trouble finding inspiration for this chapter. The next one will be better. This relationship is about to encounter some problems.**

**In the next chapter, I'm going to portray what I think happened and Saionji's thoughts up to the day. I also apologize for my long delays I told my beta reader to hold off on me for a while so I could find some inspiration.**

**I have found it again after writing these 6 chapters of SaionjiXAnthy confrontation. I've also been working on another fanfic The Tints of Orenge which is Juri's side of the story. Please check it out when you get the chance!**

**Please be sure to R&R and tell me your opinions, sorry if this chapter was boring. **

**Anyway, tell me how I'm doing!**


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